Shriram | Week 4 | Define "Shriram" NOW!!
I think I want to study chemistry when I grow up. I love both the conceptual aspects, such as analyzing the structure of atoms and the nature of bonds, as well as the practical applications it has in the real world—such as in medical technology. Even this year, AP Chemistry is one of the most interesting classes I’ve ever taken.
I told myself that I specifically wouldn’t take AP Chemistry for almost the entirety of my sophomore year.
Now, this isn’t that strange. Interests change over time, and it just so happened that mine shifted right before diving headfirst into one of the hardest courses at our school. But the issue stems from the fact that I had to dive headfirst. With the college application process getting closer every year, junior year seems to be when everyone pushes forward in an area to which they’ve already committed. Everyone should already begin to specialize in something to prove to colleges that they are indeed qualified to study at a higher level. Despite being suitable for some, for me and many others, this system seems unnecessarily urgent.
In fact, I don’t know what I want to do as an adult. I’d say that the past few years of my life are the ones in which I’ve changed the most drastically, and the pressure of having to keep a constant career aspiration throughout can be rough.
This uncertainty traces back to a larger issue. Put simply, I often feel uncertain about who I am, not just what job I want to have. Oddly, it sometimes comes as a relief to hear others describe me—not to satisfy an ego, but to confirm that others view me the same way I view myself.
For example, I think I’m smart. Until recently, however, I had no respect for myself in that regard. Those who I truly looked up to were my friends who were seemingly much more determined than me, who were able to capitalize on their interests as opposed to simply achieving meaningless exam scores. For the longest time, I was upset with myself for not having such an interest, and the upset wasn’t entirely unfounded: it is true that those who have a stronger drive have a higher probability of being impactful, and—returning to the theme of college—would make a better candidate for admission. At the same time, intelligence was all I had—if I wasn’t truly smart, who was I?
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| This extended into looks, too—I often didn't know how to describe myself to others. |
I felt that I was less valuable as a person because I had not figured out my life by age fifteen. Today, I think that’s ridiculous.
The only thing I truly know to be certain about myself is that I will always continue to change. Whether that be from this year to the next or from age fifteen to thirty, all of us are constantly being shaped by our actions and experiences. I don’t have to define “Shriram” now, and there won’t ever be a single, static definition. There doesn't have to be.
Oscar Wilde has an interesting quote that pertains to the subject of your blog this week: “If you want to be a grocer, or a politician, or a judge, you will invariably become it; that is your punishment.” He warns against the rigidity of labels, and urges the reader to be a verb instead of a noun, to be dynamic instead of static. Unlike you, though, I know who I want to be and who I will become in life, and this ultimately makes it harder for me to follow Wilde’s advice. I’ve known who I wanted to be since elementary, but I’ve always been jealous of my friends who didn’t—to me, their lives and futures held infinite possibilities and potential. As time passes, I find a sense of security in knowing what my future holds, but I also find myself thinking about what a privilege it must be to not know who you want to be yet (and what a privilege it must be to be anything at all!). After all, that only means that there’s more to explore in life ((:
ReplyDeleteHi Shriram! I totally relate with you. Whenever someone asks what I want to do when I grow up, I always just think of a stupid answer that first comes to mind. I’ve circulated between being a nurse, vet, you name it. I’m also really intrigued by your passion in AP chemistry, because all I’ve heard from that class are horror stories. I hope if I ever bring myself to take AP chem like you did last year during class registrations, I want to enjoy the class as much as you do. Switching up on interests is so relatable, and I can understand why it can be quite nerve-wracking when college applications are just on the horizon and others already have the next 10 years of their lives planned. I also think it’s understandable that we all can change drastically especially in this time of our lives when we are moving into adulthood. It’s honestly shocking that society expects 15-year-olds to already have an idea of their passions when they are just dipping their toes in exploring the vast world of careers. Whether or not you pursue chemistry, I hope that your passions continue to flourish and change!
ReplyDeleteHi Shriram! I completely relate to your experience of not being entirely sure about my future aspirations. I never understood how so many people around me could be so certain about their careers at such a young age, because how could anyone be so certain about something as concrete as their future that early on? All I knew for certain was what I did not want to do. I think it’s great that you were able to mostly figure it out, though. I also understand your previous perception of yourself as inadequate because of your uncertainty regarding your future, because it can be so hard to feel secure about yourself when everybody around you already seems to have their lives figured out.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I really like how you mention that constant change is a natural part of who we are. After all, we are all still learning who we are and developing our identities, and that is the whole point of life—to learn more and more about ourselves each day. In a way, it’s actually a bit reassuring to know that we don’t need to have one fixed version of ourselves.
AP Chemistry is also probably the most interesting class I’ve taken so far in my school career (it’s quite a joy to have you in my chem class :3). However, it is quite a shame that both mom and dad, who have a master and PhD in chemistry, respectively, have been “brainwashing” me to not go into chemistry for most of my life. Because “it doesn’t make any money.” Now, I’m not going to vehemently deny that my choice of electrical engineering has a lower median out-of-college salary than chemistry, nor that I like electrical engineering less than chemistry–but as time passes and I discover and rediscover interests, I begin to question how much I actually want to go into this major. In fact, my choice has changed drastically throughout my life: mechanical engineering, software development, architect, graphic design, anesthesiologist, and construction worker (4 year old me was quite the benevolent fella). But maybe that’s the fun of it. We should be allowed to explore our interests freely with what little pre-adult time we have without the consequences of needing to pledge our loyalty to an arbitrary “favorite.”
ReplyDeleteBut no, I’m not going into chemical engineering. Anything to rid Exxon-Mobil of one more valuable employee. My heart resides within Lockheed Martin. (this is a joke)